“Ugh, I don’t understand why she stays with him! He’s such an abusive jerk!” The phrase reverberates in my skull as I sit quietly in the salon, listening to the other women talk about their mutual friend, who is clearly being abused by her husband. They discuss the bruised finger marks on her arm from where he grabbed her. They talk about the amount of alcohol that she is “allowed” to consume when they go out, before he tells her that she’s had enough. They gossip over his isolation of her life whenever he isn’t accompanying her.
These are all the classic signs of abuse. And yet, I know that there is so much more that this woman endures outside of what they have seen with their own eyes; parts of the abuse that she is unable to express. Parts of the abuse that she doesn’t even realize is abuse anymore, because it has occurred for so much longer. Parts of the abuse that she now feels that she could tolerate, if only he wouldn’t do “X”, or wouldn’t do “X” in front of the kids.
I know that this mystery woman that the other women in the salon are talking about feels humiliated by what she knows is apparent to everyone else. She knows that she is talked about, and she knows that people think she should “just leave”.
I also know that she feels like she can’t leave. For so many women they don’t have the support that it would take to leave. They don’t have a place to stay, and they don’t have the money to support themselves without their partner. Shelters like A New Hope Center do exist, but often the shelters are full. Sometimes women would have to travel out of the county, and sometimes across the state to find shelter, and many don’t want to uproot their children (many of whom would already be extremely resistant to staying in a shelter). Not to mention that asking for help on its own is frightening, let alone the fear of upending your life to move to an unknown shelter with unknown people.
There’s also the fear of what he will do if she leaves. Will he make egregious lies about her in court and take her children away from her? Will he hurt her dogs? Will he find her and kill her?
Other people don’t understand that this woman, despite the pain, degradation, and humiliation that she suffers by this man, still loves him. And she has deep shame surrounding that. She doesn’t understand why her heart continues to be drawn to someone who does awful things to her; only that it does.
So often, women only realize once they have finally gotten out of the abuse and stayed out for a year or more that they are so much happier than they ever could have been with their abuser. An abuser has “pull” on the survivor. Aside from her love for him, there are ties that are hard to break. Even if she doesn’t have fear of repercussions for leaving (and many women do), she may love his family, or fear the breakdown of friendships that they have together. She may not be able to survive financially, or have any place to go. She may worry about him pitting their children against her during visitations.
Sometimes, she loves the man that he used to be, or can be when he’s not being abusive, and the signals are confusing. It’s not as simple as “just leaving”.
As a counselor / advocate at A New Hope Center, I have seen this story mirrored in the faces of hundreds of women. Some are stories of verbal abuse (but he’s never hit me), some with financial abuse (I’m not allowed to know how much is in the bank account), and some with full on sexual assault (my mom says that all men do that to their girlfriends, and we just have to deal with it). Each of those scenarios displays different types of abuse, and not one of them is the fault of the survivor.
As the conversation between the women wanes, I take a deep breath and let them know that their friend can contact me for help. If she wants to leave, we can work on that. If she wants to stay, we can talk about the safest way that she can stay. We can safely plan or discuss filing for custody, or even file for an order of protection. If all their friend wants to do is talk in a safe space, I can do that, too.
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. If you or a loved one is struggling with domestic violence, free, confidential and local help is available. Call (607) 687-6866.
Beautiful and painfully true ❤️