The Old Coot calls for a foul

By Merlin Lessler —

When an infraction is committed in a football game the ref throws a yellow flag. When the coach thinks the ref made a bad call he throws a red flag, asking for a review. In soccer it’s not a flag, but a yellow card for “excessive” fouling of another player. Do it again and a red card comes out and the player goes out. In basketball, the ref blows a whistle.

We need to employ these techniques in non-sporting events. Gatherings of families and friends. When the bickering starts to heat up the ref throws a yellow flag, halts the conversation before it gets out of control.

This would be especially productive at a Thanksgiving gathering, where red and blue political people are thrown together. When the bickering starts, the host or hostess should present a yellow card, blow a whistle, or throw a yellow flag to stop the escalation. And introduce a friendlier topic of discussion. If one of the bickering pairs starts up again, they get shown a red card and put in exile at the children’s table in the next room. 

This process would also come in handy when a group of married couples get together and the “Bickersons” start to pick apart each other’s statements. (She) – “Billy Jones ran through my flower bed.” (He) – “No, it wasn’t; it was the Watson kid!” (She) – “IT WAS BILLY JONES!” One more back and forth and the ref blows the whistle. Everybody laughs, and the temperature of the bickering couple cools down. Besides, nobody cares if it was Billy or the Watson kid. Just tell the group what happened to the flower garden.

If you witnessed a table of old coots under these rules, you’d hear a lot of whistles and see a lot of red and yellow flags thrown about. But the bickering with them isn’t between participants; it’s self-bickering, an old coot stuck on a name that he couldn’t retrieve from the fog in his brain. He gets angry with himself, and yells, “What was it. Darn; it’s right on the tip of my tongue, blah, blah!” 

Flags, whistles, and cards would make the world a better place. Especially the one I live in.

Comments? – Complaints? Send to mlessler7@gmail.com.